A year ago today I posted my first blog post about dad. Since last November I've spoken to my dad a total of three times. The second time I had the courage to go see him in person.
After seeing him once last year, we went close to another year without speaking, but this time something was different. I was different. I was ok.
I accept the ways in which our relationship has evolved. This acceptance is deeply rooted in a trust and a knowing that can't be shaken or altered regardless of what's happening around me. I'm completely unattached from outcome and free from any expectations of him that he "should be a certain way because that's what fathers are supposed to do." Meeting him where he is, even if it's distant and emotional detached. I'm still ok.
I used to think if he wasn't paying attention to me and being the father he "used to be" or "supposed to be" that meant I was in some way unlovable. As I reflect back on the year, the most important thing I can do is
focus on how much LOVE I have in my own reserves, which can be described as PRETTY FUCKING LIMITLESS
I wouldn't change the fact that we went three years without speaking. I give it the space I feel it needs moment to moment, and trust everything is happening the way it's supposed to.
Up until a week ago, I didn't actually know where he was. I found out he moved away, and I wasn't sure where. Eventually through an intuitive dream, which prompted an inspired internet search the next morning, I found him.
Rather than holding on to resentment or hurt that I didn't know where he was, I picked up the phone and called him. The only agenda I had was to say hi, and to let him know I was thinking about him. It was just so nice to hear his voice.
It feels pretty freeing to be in a place of pure awareness around the fact that his actions are not a reflection of my worth and "lovability" but rather an opportunity to love to him even more than I knew was possible, free of conditions. Despite what most people would assume given the circumstances, I feel so much love I could literally burst.
I will continue to search for him if he disappears again. I will continue to call. I will continue to tell him I miss him and that I love him. I will continue to send him all the love I have when I think about him. Nothing will ever change that.